Remember a few years ago when it was the cookie dough-flavored things? And then the low-carb stuff: low-carb ketchup, reduced-carb yogurt, dishtowels with 20% fewer carbs (only they'd say "less carbs")? Right now, it's Engergy.
Freaking Energy! It's. Everywhere. Not, like thermal or gravitational energy, but the sort of Energy people say they "have" or "don't have." I guess most people who talk about their own Energy levels are talking about how they don't have any. I have plenty of Energy most of the time and I don't actively pursue products that promise me more... but I can't escape this trend! Especially when it is as attractive AND tasty as this one:
They carry these at the 711 by my house. The same 711 where I overheard this conversation between employees Brita (a heavy-lidded, husky German woman) and Dale (a 45 year-old stand-up comedian with a ponytail):
Dale: The cherry Gatorade is sold out. People will just have to get G2. Brita: Do ve have zat in cherry? Dale: Uh, yah. Brita: Vell zen, vat is da difference between cherry Gatorade and G2 vis cherry flavor? Dale: Uh, I think G2 has Energy. Brita (bewildered, shaking her head): Just vat ve need... more Energy.
Sometimes I think about what odd freelance jobs I could do, in the event that I wind up with a ton of free time and/or a desperate need for more money. Not that eCommerce Marketing couldn't keep me happy and well-paid for a long, long time... but it certainly doesn't make use of ALL my talents and abilities (really, what job does?). So, I've come up with a list of possible side-jobs I could pursue. You might even call it a resume of sorts. If you know anyone who is looking for someone with these kinds of skillz, please forward them this entry.
1. Graphic designer Objective: To design adorable things for adorable people with great taste, lots of money, and no concrete deadlines.
Summary: I'm not super-amazing, but I'm better than probably 98% of the graphic designers currently employed by major corporations and design agencies. Just kidding. I already do some freelance design work and I wouldn't mind doing more. Wedding invitations, greeting cards, these kinds of things. You know, the stuff that no one's really interested in paying someone to do.
2. Voice-over actor Objective: To provide voice talent for use in well-written ad campaigns, high quality television and movies. No porn. No foreign language.
Summary: I know what you're thinking: people who use different voices are incredibly annoying. They think they're really funny and they're constantly saying un-funny things in their dumb voices, thinking the voice makes the joke funny (Robin Williams, I am looking in your direction). I don't think that's me. Whatever, I guess you'll just have to hire me and find out. Your choices are:
--Midwestern --Southern (both Backwoods AND Sophisticated) --Snotty Sorority Girl (lots of experience here) --Russian princess (again, drawn from life) --Utah soccer mom (really neat) --British (pretty commonplace, as accents go, but also pretty versatile) --New Yorker (see previous post) --Australian (not used much since the passing of Steve Irwin) --New Zealand (mostly just Flight of the Conchords quotes) --Several people I work with --A myriad of speech impediments --Sultry "request and dedication" radio DJ --Rachael Ray (yummo!) --Probably you
3. Jingle writer Objective: To create and deploy terrible (and terribly CATCHY) commercial jingles. I have my own equipment (FLD, can I use your keyboard?).
Summary: I play the piano. I sing okay. I'm pretty good at puns. You do the math.
4. Puppy cuddler Objective: To hold baby dogs in my arms/hands (depending on size) Summary: Just thought as long as I'm getting paid to do these other things, I'd put this out there too. Just in case. But seriously: come ON:
5. Hand model Objective: To provide a positive, realistic and attainable hand image for women everywhere.
Summary: Haven't we all had enough of these skeletal, tan, Brazilian hand models? Who has hands like that? No one. Plus, they are so airbrushed, it's appalling. Check it out:
By contrast, you'll see that my hands are at once approachable and inoffensive. The perfect backdrop for, say, a gorgeous new engagement ring.
Sorry, do you feel totally hoodwinked? Like, I posted this whole entry just so I could show you my new ring? Yeah, sorry about that. But don't you suddenly want to buy a new calculator? Or mini-bottle of lotion? Exactly.
If you decide to take a trip to New York, here's how it will go:
1. The Columbus Circle subway stop will be under construction. They'll be making great progress in the effort to restore it to its original "Mouth of Hell" condition.
2. The Statue of Liberty will be more impressive than you imagined. You've seen it countless times in movies, television, photos... even in person from the edge of Battery Park. But it will really prove an astonishing structure in person. It'll almost make you want to buy one of those green foam crowns. ALMOST. 3. You'll figure out how to speak like a New Yorker. You'll find there are lots of special insider pronunciation rules. For example: Duane Reade is pronounced "Duane Reed," not "Duane Ready." If you want to look like a real out-of-towner tool, you'll pronounce Houston Street like the city in Texas. BIG no-no. You'll realize it's pronounced "Chopped Li-vah." The locals will really like it when you try to speak their language in this way. No dirty looks whatsoever.
4. You'll have a reuben at Katz Deli and you'll pay way too much for it. Later, you'll look at a photo of said reuben and decide to hate yourself. 5. You'll visit the chapel at Columbia University and you'll think of Rome. Or Paris. What I'm saying is it will remind you of the DaVinci Code. 6. You'll discover that Momofuku is a charming, delicious, slightly adventurous place to have dinner. You'll be seated next to someone you don't know. Your prawns will still be wearing their heads. The pistachio ice cream will change your life. But not as much as the walk you'll take right after dinner. 7. To Tompkins Square Park, where you find a little gazebo to shield you from the rain and your adorable boyfriend will say something that neither of you will really remember exactly, but it'll amount to: Will you marry me? And you'll be all: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! YES! (EEEEEEEEEEEEK!)*not my actual engagement ring *check it out: no cavities in my molars.
8. Then a few days later when you're thinking back wistfully to your trip, you'll decide to search for this particular park/gazebo on the internet and you find a photo. And you'll be like, "Hey! That's the exact spot where FLD proposed to me!" And then you'll notice a word ETCHED IN STONE: Temperance. WT..? Who knows? Maybe that's not how it will go for you. I could be way off. I can only speak from experience.
Lately I've been reading a lot of blogs with entries entitled "Things I Think Are Cool Right Now" or "Stuff I Did This Weekend," which is so foreign to me... since most of my entries are like, "Possible Motivations Behind Intra-Office Nail-Clipping." I enjoy reading about the things my friends do and think and like... so it stands to reason maybe you'd be interested to know about the things I do and think and like. Right now.
So, here it is:
1. Last week was Science Fiction Week. Not, like, officially, just in my movie world. We watched Alien, Aliens and Blade Runner. All of these movies are really freaking good! I had heard Blade Runner was good... but I think I heard that from a programmer. So... you know, grain of salt. Anyway, both the Alien movies were more terrifying than I was expecting... as were the scenes where the astronauts walk around in their tiny underwear. Does that really happen in space? If so... I'm going to have to make some changes to my 10 year plan. This week is When Animals Attack week, but so far we've only watched Jaws.
2. I'm on a mission to sort/organize/eliminate a lot of my "stuff." I'm not a hoarder or anything, but I do have several pairs of unworn shoes, piles upon piles of craft supplies and at least three products designed for coarse, curly hair. I don't have coarse, curly hair. There's just something really liberating about the thought of fitting all my "stuff" into a Rubbermaid container. Some people dream about winning the lottery or making out with Brad Pitt. I dream about The Container Store. And the dreams are that good.
3. I've been doing this thing? Where I draw people during meetings? Not, like, detailed drawings with shaded upper lips or anything, just quick sketches. I considered posting a few of them here, but that seems like a bad idea, as they have been described as "devastatingly accurate." Don't worry. It's just work people. I haven't drawn you. Unless you're my coworker and you're reading this... in which case, I'm... sorry?
4. I started an Etsy shop. I have nothing for sale yet, but I'm thinking about putting some of my cards up. More on this later.
5. I saw Chris Merritt perform last weekend at Velour (+ free hotdogs!) and although his two-disc sophomore album wasn't ready for release, he gave out FREE copies of a little EP. If you like Ben Folds and (infuriatingly) infectious melodies, you should probably get your hands on it. Somehow. chrismerrittmusic.com
6. No new episodes of Intervention. Boo. Actually, it's okay. I'm still recovering from Lawrence.
7. I'm going to New York next week. Did I mention that?
8. I've been trying to cut back on my Diet Cola habit. I think the possibility that I'll give it up entirely is unrealistic, but right now I'm just focusing on trying to drink one glass of non-brown something every day.
It's New Kids On The Block: Joey McIntyre, Jonathan Knight, Donnie Wahlberg, Jordan Knight and Danny Wood. They are expected to make their official New Kids reunion tour announcement on Friday on NBC's Today show.
I stopped by the Valley Fair Mall last night after work to pick up... whatever, it doesn't matter. I can already feel you judging me for shopping at the Valley Fair Mall. Anyway, I was walking briskly through the west wing, chatting with my mom. And that's when it happened.
Me: So, yeah. I think it'll be a fun trip. I'm excited to see... Oh. Uh-My. Uh-Gah. I have to go.
That's when I hung up on my mom, switched my iPhone over to camera mode and snapped this beauty. Take a moment.
The proprieters of this fine framing shop can't possibly know what they've done. Can they? I mean, this is the sort of joint where you'd find a Thomas Kinkade print... or one of those cityscape posters where the lights actually twinkle. Or a triptych of crying clowns from the early 1980's. NOT the place where you'd find a door poster of a sweaty, shirtless fire fighter.
How did this happen? Even if the owners are clueless, what about all the people who were involved in the launching of this brand? Family members? The signmaker? The suppliers? Didn't an attorney somewhere spit coffee right through his/her nose when he/she saw the business license application for "Well Hung Framing?"
I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lately. It's not that I don't have things I want to share with you... I do. I saw a personalized license plate this morning on my drive to work that read: BEARDWN. That's Bear Down. As in... push something out? I suppose it could have been Beard Win... but either way, Double You Tee Eff? Anyway, it made me think of you. It made me miss you. I've been designing cards. I went to the NickelCade. I even have video footage of me trying to ride this stupid horse game. I'll share it. I will. Don't look at me like that. In the meantime, I got this list idea from Lisa (who got it from someone else) and it was sort of inspiring. I like the idea of patting myself on the back while simultaneously giving myself a little nudge forward. I know it isn't NickelCade footage, but it's something. What? Just read it, you hateful witch.
Love, Reno
29 Things I've done in the last 29 years:
1. Appeared onstage as Hansel in "Hansel and Gretel" 2. Attended Austin City Limits Festival 3. Ate Black Forest Cake IN the Black Forest 4. Potty-trained a puppy 5. Finished a marathon 6. Learned how to knit 7. Cut my own bangs 8. Helped Eddie Vedder personalize a leather photo album 9. Lost one million pounds 10. Appeared on the front page of the Nevada Appeal 11. Lived in nine states 12. Given up nail biting 13. Thrown a coin into Trevi Fountain 14. Gone sailing in Santa Barbara 15. Given a speech at Junior High graduation 16. Watched Casablanca without falling asleep 17. Moved to San Francisco by myself 18. Lived with a Russian 19. Gone undefeated at SingStar AND American Idol 20. Hosted "Let's Make A Deal" 21. Designed my brother's wedding invitations 22. Visited the town where Goonies was filmed 23. Purchased one square foot of rainforest 24. Practiced makeup artistry 25. Done Bikram yoga thrice in one week 26. Attended piano camp 27. Perfected my Midwestern accent 28. Watched dolphins swim in the ocean 29. Served as a hand model
35 Things I'd Like to Do Before 35:
1. Start a crafty design business 2. Kick my Diet Pepsi habit 3. Accept the appearance of my feet 4. Knit a sweater 5. Do my own taxes without crying 6. Learn to play the trumpet (or flugelhorn) 7. Vacation somewhere with indoor/outdoor bungalow rooms 8. Run a half-marathon 9. Write a collection of semi-autobiographical short stories 10. Fly a kite in Central Park 11. Attempt improv comedy 12. Fly first class 13. Make a kid 14. Own a fancy camera and learn how to use it 15. Make creme brulee with a tiny torch 16. Write a screenplay 17. Attend a live taping of Oprah (don't you judge me) 18. Attend a black-tie New Years Eve party 19. Have a #6 showerhead in my home 20. Design a font 21. Get paid to use my commercial voice 22. Paint a decent self portrait 23. Stop needing validation from other people (thanks, Lisa) 24. Invest in the stock market 25. Overcome my irrational fear of birds 26. Find the perfect pair of jeans 27. Make and consume a Paula Deen recipe without feeling guilty 28. Volunteer for Girl Scouts 29. Learn to speak Spanish 30. Meet Barack Obama 31. Get a massage on the beach in Bali 32. Start a collection of vintage board games 33. Take a girl's cruise 34. See Paul Simon and/or Elton John in concert 35. Write a post for the dating blog (sorry, Natali)
