another reason to hate birds

On the sidewalk, right outside the Subway (sandwich shop) on Broadway, someone has painted an incredible portrait of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. It's really detailed and accurate. Anyway, I passed by it this morning and noticed - TO MY HORROR - that a pigeon had passed away on Barack's cheek. This would, of course, be revolting even if I didn't have a serious bird thing. It was so gross and yet, so hilarious, that I decided to take a picture of it. So I stood back and fumbled around in my purse trying to find my iPhone.

And then, at that very moment, a dude came strolling down the sidewalk, chattering away on his cellphone, not paying attention to where he was stepping and he totally got tangled up in the dead Obama cheek pigeon. AND HE WAS WEARING FLIP FLOPS. I think he sort of scooped a wing up with the front flap of one shoe... and then turned it over when he took a step... and then in an attempt to side-step the carcass, ended up shifting it to the other foot and causing a weird tip-toe shuffle dance. It was a mess. A terrible, disgusting mess. It happened so quickly, I wasn't able to capture it on camera. And by the time it was over, the pigeon had shifted off of Obama's cheek and on to the plain sidewalk, thus ruining the hilarity of the photo. So... I have no photographic evidence of the encounter. Probably better that way.

Man, am I glad I'm not in politics, where birds will straight DIE ON YOUR FACE.

i'm not from these parts

Did you know New Yorkers say "waiting ON line" instead of "waiting IN line?" This can be confusing at times. Like say for instance, when you're standing near the registers at the grocery store and someone asks, "Are you online?" and you're all, "Ummmm. no. I'm just standing here, waiting to buy these groceries. Why, do they have free WiFi here?"

Other things:

In Flight of the Conchords, Bret and Jemaine live on the lower east side, near Chinatown. Right here:


I saw a B-list celebrity while wasting my life at the DMV. Remind me to add him to The List. Frankly, I've been a little disappointed in the celebrity-spotting so far. I guess I'm not really hanging out in the right areas. Also, celebrities don't ride the subway. It's a shame, really. I'd love to see Renee "I Smell Poo" Zellwegger snuggle up on the evening uptown 1 train with Bob "I Smell Like Poo" McNeverShowers.

We sort of saw Barack Obama and John McCain two nights ago. They spoke at Columbia and while we didn't win the opportunity to see them in person, we did watch the worst projection simulcast ever. It had two settings: "Sepia tone with no sound," or "Full color, with slow-traveling horizontal face-distorting wave and periodic loss of sound." Sadly, both versions came with "outspoken McCain-hater hungry for attention" in the audience.

Yesterday, I offered my Mister $5000 to drink the remaining contents of a Gatorade bottle nestled between subway tracks. The contents can only be described as "yellowish." He accepted, but because paying him meant taking $5000 out of our bank account just so he could deposit it right back into the same account, we decided to just let it go. I wish someone else would start offering him money to do gross things. We could really get somewhere.

I think I have a crush on Dyson. First it was their sexy space-age vacuums. And now this:


Now I don't have to wipe my hands on my pants in the movie theater restroom! Oh, Dyson Airblade. You fetching creature.

Excerpts from a takeout menu I found on the porch:
What people are saying about Hunan Park Chinese Restaurant:
"The beast kept secret in Manhattan!"
"There is a different between food prepare with a living hand and a good heat."

General Tso's Shrimp:
Delicate unexcelled dish crunch shrimp light breaded deep friend expertly cooked over a high frame & Blended w. tangerine.

We can alter the spicy!

And finally... you wanna see pictures of our place? Oh, awright!

straight trippin'

Matching trucker hats: check. Full tank o' gas: check. Bruce Springsteen on the iPod: check. We even had a bobble-hipped hula girl on the dashboard. About four minutes into our road trip, we hit a broken traffic light at 400 South and State, leaving us pumping our fists to Thunder Road at a complete standstill. It was not exactly the wind-in-hair, cares-leaving-behind start to the journey I had envisioned. Also, I-80 was closed, so we had to go through Ogden. Woo hoo! Road trip! To Ogden!

Don't worry, I'm not going to narrate the whole road trip here. That would bore you (and me) to tears. I thought it would be more fun to document the experience by periodically taking pictures of our hula girl, capturing the changing scenery as we made our way across the country. I was totally diligent with my picture-taking, but somehow, the photos disappeared when we got to New York.

Thanks to the miracle of Google Earth and some other photos swiped from the internets, I recreated the hula girl photos. Witness, a Photoshop road trip:


So, we made it. Our place is bigger than a shoebox. It's big enough for the both of us PLUS two visitors (hint hint). The neighborhood is awesome. Less than a stone's throw away (only if Dave's throwing), we have:

The Cathedral of St. John the Divine (seen in the final photo above)
The restaurant from Seinfeld (average diner food)
A nice grocery store (pictured here at 5:00 on a weekday):


Pinkberry, where you can get average frozen yogurt for the price of a Carnival cruise
Columbia University (where the learnings happen)
Pizza the size of a large area rug
Central Park
Riverside Park
Morningside Park

I like it. I think I'll stay. I just need to find a job so I can afford a frozen yogurt.

my fifteen minutes

I would have been 100% satisfied with just knowing my family and friends thought our wedding was awesome... but I can't deny it feels pretty cool to know that the INTERNET is excited about it too. I'm glad I didn't listen when people said things like "Wait... red and AQUA? Ummm."

Check it:
http://canlasphotography.blogspot.com/2008/08/big-fat-feature-on-southern-weddings.html

More on the move/roadtrip/NYC adventure later.

car move bacon photos duck toupee

Sometimes I make little notes in my planner when I think of something I want to blog about. Yesterday's note: Car, Move, Bacon, Photos, Duck Toupee

As you can clearly see, I have had a LOT GOING ON. Let's start at the top, shall we?

1. Car.
We sold my car. I'm pretty sure I left about 10 validation cards for the Gateway parking garage in the ashtray + a CaseLogic CD organizer under the front seat. I haven't called the buyer about this because... well, I'm trying to get rid of CDs anyway. I think he'll really like them... if he's into old David Gray bootlegs. Also, the buyer was a very young soldier who had just returned from Iraq and refused to call me by my first name. It was my first experience with "Mrs." and I actually didn't hate it. "Ma'am" on the other hand... feels like I ought to be deep frying macaroni and cheese.

2. Move.
It looks like this:
We'll be visiting Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. Oh,and New York. Actually, we won't be visting New York, we'll be living there. Here's a photo of our apartment. As you can see, the previous owners are still there, but they should be out by the end of the week and then we can really get a feel for what kind of space we'll have.

3. Bacon.
I have a feeling you'll be able to visit Sarah's blog in a few days and find out more about this item, but I couldn't let the opportunity to mention it pass me by. At our final potluck on Sunday night, Sarah made... wait for it... CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON. Most people in attendance thought it sounded "Sick" or "Eew," but I thought it sounded like CHOCOLATE. And BACON. And it was both of those things. And those things confused my taste buds in the best way possible. Thank you Sarah, for more firmly cementing me into the position of "Person most likely to enjoy bacon-based confections." Which reminds me of this photo:

4. Photos.
We have wedding photos! I can't post my favorites here because of the super-tight-lockdown on Canlas photography rights, but I can link you to his blog, where he has featured some of HIS favorites. Enjoy!
Jonathan Canlas

5. Duck Toupee.
Toupees are always funny, right? Well, imagine a toupee on a duck. Better yet, don't imagine it, check it OUT. This duck lives in the pond outside my (former) office. What a ridiculous animal. Does he honestly think that thing looks REAL? It doesn't even match the rest of his head.


That is all for now. In about 72 hours I'm going to move to New York City. I am getting excited just thinking about what blog-worthy treasures I'll find there. Pigeon toupee? Stay tuned.

buy buy love

Did you know I'm moving to New York? Like... Manhattan New York? Like... in two weeks?

Oh, you didn't? Then maybe you also didn't know that I'm selling my car. Why? Because having a car in New York is like having a parka in Las Vegas. It's hot. I mean it's unnecessary.

What's that you ask? Why yes, it IS small and fuel-efficient and totally awesome. Low miles? Indeed. And priced well below Kelley Blue Book. Do I have pictures? Don't be silly!

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=&nid=443&tab=list/view&ad=762760

I promise I'll post something more interesting soon. Something better than a feeble attempt to get you (or your brother? cousin?) to buy my car. We should have wedding photos in a few days. Plus, exciting details about New York. And if you buy my car, I'll let you choose ANY topic and I'll write about it and dedicate the post to you.

Now, that's almost as good as a new car.

a brief recap

I don't even know how to blog about my wedding. This space is usually reserved for poking fun at things or testing out terrible puns. It just seems wrong to write a silly post about the awesomest day of my life to date. But I can't say NOTHING, right? It would be worse to just skip over this weekend and launch right into "Short Guys with Even Shorter Jeans: Why and (more importantly) How?"

So, if you'll indulge me... I might just be sincere for one second. I know, it's weird. It'll be over soon, I promise.

The Best Things About My Wedding:

1. My new husband. Everyone on the internet is talking about how awesome he is, so why can't I? He's uncommonly smart, unfailingly good, unbelievably funny and looks irresistable in a wedding band. FLD is now my Mister. Sigh.

2. New seesters and brothers! New parents-in-law! A new baby neice! I feel like I have finally been admitted to a very exclusive club... almost like a fraternity, but without having to drink beer from a shoe.

3. My old family, which I love even more now that two of my brothers have wives and the other one has a Brigham Young beard.

3. My friends, many of whom traveled from far away and hardly got to talk to me. And then cleaned our house and put flowers around and a cute "Just Married" sign on the door.

4. My post-wedding luncheon in the barn. The first time I visited Mister's parents' house for the weekend, I drifted off into a hazy daydream that involved a wedding in Manti followed by an adorable gathering in the barn. I can admit that now because I actually had that on Saturday.

5. A reception with all of my favorite things: adorable trappings, awesome music, beautiful food, an incredible view, a candy buffet... all enjoyed in the sweet sweet uncomfort of a flattering outfit. Can I get married every weekend? Just kidding, mom.

Photos coming soon (I hope).

Love always,
Reno