updos: a tragedy

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

It keeps happening. I attempt to research some aspect of the wedding process... and I stumble upon something(s) HORRIBLE. This time, my research into wedding hairstyles turned up results far more shocking than even the sexy motorcycle portraits. I want to assure you, dear reader, that every single one of these photos is SERIOUS. And while some of them may look more at home on the Broadway stage or atop a Drag Queen, they are all a result of a "Wedding Hairstyles" image search on Google.

I present to you, "Updos: A Tragedy."

1. This seems like a really lame hairstyle until you realize how educational it is. I haven't thought about mitochondria (or eukaryotic cells in general) since Biology 101. Thanks, Science Updo!

2. For the physical therapist bride, here we have Support and Compression Updo, a style that looks weird AND prevents swelling.

3. Dear Abby... On my wedding day, I'll be carrying around a buttload of paperclips. Can you recommend an updo that will store my office supplies? Why yes, it's Office Max Updo.

4. "Grandmother-thinks-Richard-will-make-a-splendid-husband-Updo"

5. I like to imagine that there was this beautiful unicorn, who wanted very badly to be a real girl... and she met a sorcerer in the forest who granted her wish... and when she emerged from the forest, all covered in newly human skin, eyes burning and tail missing... this is what her hair looked like. Viva la Floppy Horn Updo!

6. This is neither a woman, nor an updo, but it showed up in my image search. And I can't take my eyes off of it.

7. This style, while stunning, can be quite painful, as it requires the harvesting of skin from the lower back in order to fashion a lovely... umm, blossom? Skin Graft Updo.

8. Not a terrible updo, but... I think we can all agree that this "bride" is a twelve year-old boy.

9. Two words: Slugs Updo.

10. You can tell from the photo that this woman is straining to keep her head up under the weight of this "UpDung."

11. Storage Updo: I'm actually considering this one for MY wedding. I'm thinking I'll be able to stash a can of Diet Pepsi IN MY BANGS.

12. Poisonous Updo: C'mon, Bret Michaels. You're not fooling anyone. Take the corset off.


laceyJ. said...


Camilla said...

Is it just me, or does Office Max updo look like Debra Messing?

e said...

Don't think I didn't notice your inspiration for #5. Maybe you should save that do for a little later... when you use the aforementioned unmentionables. But the Diet Pepsi do is a good idea, too. Everyone's always looking for immediate refreshment. At your wedding? Even better.

becky said...

what's that birth defect called where all of your facial features are squishily positioned in the lower half of your actual face? OH YEAH! Number 6.

Christine said...

You crack me up! I needed a good laugh :)

sarah at twolooseteeth.com said...

You are a rare and precious gem. That. Was. Horrifying.

Lisa said...

Angie, it's been a long time... but I want to say CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!!! So exciting, so much to do, so fun!

I love your blog!

Michemily said...

Holy cow, I laughed so hard while reading this. Your blog is awesome.

Rani and Will said...

omg, you kill me. I don't know if you heard anything about my first wedding updo, but I guarantee it was worse than anything there. Found out my hairdresser was on crack...literally! I would have loved to see what you would have named it. All I can say is at least I can laugh about it now. Too bad, I'm pretty sure I burned all the pictures.

TheTexasSpud said...

Do you realize how witty and brilliant you are?! I love reading your blog!!!!

AmyJean said...

omigosh, just in time for halloween :) ... seriously hillarious!

Paula said...

I love the twelve year old boy "bride" - something about the way added quotes made me LOL.

tucker said...

new jersey prom queen strikes back, but with a side serving of riot grrl.

the first one reminded me not so much of a mitochondria but of a chloroplast. i have spent so many nights not pining after biology.