literally literary

I turned thirty this month. I thought it was going to be traumatic, but it really wasn't. I had braced myself for the flood of emotions... but it just didn't happen. Maybe it's because I was consumed with other thoughts... or maybe because I was surrounded by my favorite people. Or MAYBE it's because I received a gift that transported me back to the age of TEN, and with the average, I felt like I was really only turning twenty.

FLD, a master of The Thoughtful Gift, really outdid himself this time. Imagine my astonishment when I peeled back the wrapping on an original copy of my favorite book from fourth grade, "Six Months to Live." I think I may have fallen out of my seat. The cover was exactly as I had remembered it... Dawn Rochelle, perched in her quilted robe and ballet slippers on the edge of a hospital bed. Fluffy bangs. One-eyed teddy bear. This was the book I checked out from the Bookmobile ONE MILLION times. I was a pretty sunny kid, but for some reason I LOVED sad books about teens with diseases. Turns out I'm not the only one. Check out these Amazon book reviews, submitted by tweens just like me:

A fast read which holds your attention the whole 136 pages.

I think that this book was a really good book. My favorite part was when Dawn and Sandy went the canp and ment the two boys there and fell in love. I thought it was a really sad book and also a really good book. It made me think of the peaople who say that their lifes are bad and then they do not look at the other people. At the end of the book it left you wear you wanted to go and read the next book I think that the sadest part was when Sandy died in the hospital. That is why I think that Six months to live is a really good book and why.

What i liked about this book is that the illness is cancer. I liked that they picked cancer because you loose your hair and it shows that not everyone can have as much as you do.

This was one of the saddest books I've ever read. I highly recommend it.

This book is also very sad. Ever sense her terrible disease, she has felt like a nobody. A nothing. A shadow in a damp and lonely corner.Determination makes this book like no other. When she almost died, it broke her families' hearts, literary.

Lurlene McDaniel is a wonderful writer! I suggest this book to anyone who loves to read or cry.

I guess that explains it: I loved to read AND cry. But beyond that, I think I must have longed for the sort of hand-to-brow drama that went on in Six Months to Live. Dawn's big brother was her best friend, by her side at the hospital, cheering her on in the battle against cancer. My older brother was my nemesis, putting his pet cornsnake in my face and calling me "Maneater." Also, I think it must have been around the fourth grade when my mom started encouraging me to eat fewer milkshakes and watch less television. Freaking Dawn, that's ALL SHE DID. With her perfect perm (my hair never took curl) and her ballet slippers and her champion spirit. It's tough to admit this depressing adolescent novel was "aspirational," but I can't explain it any other way.

This is why turning thirty was not traumatic and why.

updos: a tragedy

It keeps happening. I attempt to research some aspect of the wedding process... and I stumble upon something(s) HORRIBLE. This time, my research into wedding hairstyles turned up results far more shocking than even the sexy motorcycle portraits. I want to assure you, dear reader, that every single one of these photos is SERIOUS. And while some of them may look more at home on the Broadway stage or atop a Drag Queen, they are all a result of a "Wedding Hairstyles" image search on Google.

I present to you, "Updos: A Tragedy."

1. This seems like a really lame hairstyle until you realize how educational it is. I haven't thought about mitochondria (or eukaryotic cells in general) since Biology 101. Thanks, Science Updo!

2. For the physical therapist bride, here we have Support and Compression Updo, a style that looks weird AND prevents swelling.

3. Dear Abby... On my wedding day, I'll be carrying around a buttload of paperclips. Can you recommend an updo that will store my office supplies? Why yes, it's Office Max Updo.

4. "Grandmother-thinks-Richard-will-make-a-splendid-husband-Updo"

5. I like to imagine that there was this beautiful unicorn, who wanted very badly to be a real girl... and she met a sorcerer in the forest who granted her wish... and when she emerged from the forest, all covered in newly human skin, eyes burning and tail missing... this is what her hair looked like. Viva la Floppy Horn Updo!

6. This is neither a woman, nor an updo, but it showed up in my image search. And I can't take my eyes off of it.

7. This style, while stunning, can be quite painful, as it requires the harvesting of skin from the lower back in order to fashion a lovely... umm, blossom? Skin Graft Updo.

8. Not a terrible updo, but... I think we can all agree that this "bride" is a twelve year-old boy.

9. Two words: Slugs Updo.

10. You can tell from the photo that this woman is straining to keep her head up under the weight of this "UpDung."

11. Storage Updo: I'm actually considering this one for MY wedding. I'm thinking I'll be able to stash a can of Diet Pepsi IN MY BANGS.

12. Poisonous Updo: C'mon, Bret Michaels. You're not fooling anyone. Take the corset off.

not for me.

Having your picture taken (a LOT) is an integral part of being engaged. It starts with the night you get engaged (see streetside snapshot in previous post) and culminates at the wedding reception. For someone who is a bit of a camera-hog (cough**me**cough), this is fun. I don't mind all the snapping and posing and whatnot. It also helps if you have a fantastic photographer.

Here's where it gets weird, though. I recently found out about something called "Boudoir" photography. You've probably already heard of it. This is basically where the bride gets to be a Playboy bunny for a day. She dons her sexiest lingerie (or cowboy boots or whatever) and strikes a seductive pose... and the result is an album full of alluring snapshots "for his eyes only." Aside from the fact that things intended for "_____'s eyes only" VERY rarely remain exclusive to "____'s" eyes, this concept seems like a really really bad idea. Even the most talented photographer can't turn Jill Schmo into a Maxim cover model. It's bound to be unsuccessful, right? And cheesey, right? And downright embarrassing too? Ummm, yes. That's exactly right.


I'm pretty sure that's a dude on the yellow motorcycle.