once more, with energy.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Remember a few years ago when it was the cookie dough-flavored things? And then the low-carb stuff: low-carb ketchup, reduced-carb yogurt, dishtowels with 20% fewer carbs (only they'd say "less carbs")? Right now, it's Engergy.

Freaking Energy! It's. Everywhere. Not, like thermal or gravitational energy, but the sort of Energy people say they "have" or "don't have." I guess most people who talk about their own Energy levels are talking about how they don't have any. I have plenty of Energy most of the time and I don't actively pursue products that promise me more... but I can't escape this trend! Especially when it is as attractive AND tasty as this one:

They carry these at the 711 by my house. The same 711 where I overheard this conversation between employees Brita (a heavy-lidded, husky German woman) and Dale (a 45 year-old stand-up comedian with a ponytail):

Dale: The cherry Gatorade is sold out. People will just have to get G2.
Brita: Do ve have zat in cherry?
Dale: Uh, yah.
Brita: Vell zen, vat is da difference between cherry Gatorade and G2 vis cherry flavor?
Dale: Uh, I think G2 has Energy.
Brita (bewildered, shaking her head): Just vat ve need... more Energy.

shameless self-promotion

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sometimes I think about what odd freelance jobs I could do, in the event that I wind up with a ton of free time and/or a desperate need for more money. Not that eCommerce Marketing couldn't keep me happy and well-paid for a long, long time... but it certainly doesn't make use of ALL my talents and abilities (really, what job does?). So, I've come up with a list of possible side-jobs I could pursue. You might even call it a resume of sorts. If you know anyone who is looking for someone with these kinds of skillz, please forward them this entry.

1. Graphic designer
Objective: To design adorable things for adorable people with great taste, lots of money, and no concrete deadlines.

Summary: I'm not super-amazing, but I'm better than probably 98% of the graphic designers currently employed by major corporations and design agencies. Just kidding. I already do some freelance design work and I wouldn't mind doing more. Wedding invitations, greeting cards, these kinds of things. You know, the stuff that no one's really interested in paying someone to do.

2. Voice-over actor
Objective: To provide voice talent for use in well-written ad campaigns, high quality television and movies. No porn. No foreign language.

Summary: I know what you're thinking: people who use different voices are incredibly annoying. They think they're really funny and they're constantly saying un-funny things in their dumb voices, thinking the voice makes the joke funny (Robin Williams, I am looking in your direction). I don't think that's me. Whatever, I guess you'll just have to hire me and find out. Your choices are:

--Southern (both Backwoods AND Sophisticated)
--Snotty Sorority Girl (lots of experience here)
--Russian princess (again, drawn from life)
--Utah soccer mom (really neat)
--British (pretty commonplace, as accents go, but also pretty versatile)
--New Yorker (see previous post)
--Australian (not used much since the passing of Steve Irwin)
--New Zealand (mostly just Flight of the Conchords quotes)
--Several people I work with
--A myriad of speech impediments
--Sultry "request and dedication" radio DJ
--Rachael Ray (yummo!)
--Probably you

3. Jingle writer
Objective: To create and deploy terrible (and terribly CATCHY) commercial jingles. I have my own equipment (FLD, can I use your keyboard?).

Summary: I play the piano. I sing okay. I'm pretty good at puns. You do the math.

4. Puppy cuddler
Objective: To hold baby dogs in my arms/hands (depending on size)
Summary: Just thought as long as I'm getting paid to do these other things, I'd put this out there too. Just in case. But seriously: come ON:

5. Hand model
Objective: To provide a positive, realistic and attainable hand image for women everywhere.

Summary: Haven't we all had enough of these skeletal, tan, Brazilian hand models? Who has hands like that? No one. Plus, they are so airbrushed, it's appalling. Check it out:

By contrast, you'll see that my hands are at once approachable and inoffensive. The perfect backdrop for, say, a gorgeous new engagement ring.

Sorry, do you feel totally hoodwinked? Like, I posted this whole entry just so I could show you my new ring? Yeah, sorry about that. But don't you suddenly want to buy a new calculator? Or mini-bottle of lotion? Exactly.